Thursday, June 23, 2011


I let a friend down and I've become consumed with my inconsideration. I thought it would be best to give them some room after suffering a devastating loss before reaching out. But I was wrong and they've been hurt by my silence. I'm so bad at reacting to trauma. I shrink to the back ground. It's not because I'm callous or uncaring. In fact I think it is more because I worry I will fall apart. Another friend I know is always perfectly poised to respond with grace to tragedy. There she stands unafraid with outstretched arms, an ear to lend, knowing the right thing to say. I yearn to be more like her. I am making this a goal of mine. We are human and have many frailties. I've sincerely apologized and can only hope years of friendship have formed a strong enough bond to weather this storm. 

Here we are around the house
made some ceramic flowers


flwrjane said...

This is how we learn to change if we are lucky, and I think you will be.

I'm a big storyteller, yours, mine or hers. Many years ago I asked an inappropriate question of one friend about another. I was shut down and out quickly and effectively. i loved both of them so i learned a major lesson.

Now when people ask for info about others, if it's not a happy topic they want to discuss, I say it's not my story to tell, ask them.

I haven't gotten into trouble with a friend again.

Progress not perfection:)

xo Jane

webb said...

so sorry that happened, denise, but totally understand it. always feel like i just fall apart when something bad happens. am the "designated crier" in our family, and often feel that my emotion is a burden on others.

often, tho, i think that others see the tears are solidarity and deep sympathy, so perhaps just reaching out in a teary hug is a good way to go.

do hope that friendship triumphs for you both. thniking good thoughts for you. xoxo

bowstreetflowers said...

Jane's right, Denise. We have to learn how to do this. There will be many more times when you'll have an opportunity to step forward. It took me years to learn that people WANT to talk about trauma, and personal loss. It's developmental. No one teaches us when we're young about the etiquette of tragedy.

Cindy said...

i'm sorry for this situation; it might take some time but it will be ok. i think people are reluctant to step in because it's uncomfortable not being able to change things. we can't fix it and feel powerless. you'll be there for her, now. she'll see.

Sarah said...

Such a tough situation. I was once dealing with a tragedy and didn't want to call and let my friends know about the same time I wanted their comfort. Then when they did find out and showed that they cared, turns out I didn't really feel like talking about it. It wasn't until I went through it that I relaxed how delicate those situations are. I wanted to know that they cared, but I didn't really want anything from them.

I wish I could say I became better at comforting others since then, but I'm afraid I've become worse. I keep my distance even though I know that a hug is sometimes all people need from you.

Flowers can't fix everything.,,,but they help sometimes if the person receiving them knows how important flowers are to you.